Today's Funnies!

[Xtreme]

Think like a woman.

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

:lol:

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


:lol:

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

:lol:

[tennhound]

I have got to pass those along... they were great...

MARIE

[Xtreme]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick work-out and a spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

(LOL, she needs a sign!!)


__________________________________________________ _______

An elderly Australian couple went to Jerusalem on their holiday to the middle east. While they were there the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband “You can have her shipped back to Australia for $5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $250.”

The husband thought about it but decided he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked “Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $250.”

The husband replied, “Two thousand years ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that risk.”

:D

[*Chris*]

funny s**t LOL
your a funny one bec LOL

[Xtreme]

Stranded on a Desert Island!

A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up on to the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything."

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And
my trousers?" "OK" At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from
the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other
way and meet you half way." "OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up
to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts "Hey mate, you won't believe
who I'm shagging!!"

:D

[Xtreme]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus, "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the
trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.

Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles
with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon
as I get its pyjamas off."

:D

[Grae]

Thanks extreme

great laugh

Graeme

[scott bowler]

i have one for the boys hope you like lol

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder
than his wife .

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.


Let them
continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

[Robdog]

GOLD Scott!

[Xtreme]

A guy is driving down a road and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes, I do," the Lab replies. “So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Prime Minister about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of Canada's most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, walking near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

[Xtreme]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle." he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols".

[scott bowler]

hope this one doesnt affend anyone ................
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little
guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner
Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around"!

[scott bowler]

Two Aboriginals were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback one
day,
when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus.

One of them thinks "this is great" and heads straight for it.
As they pulled up, the driver winds his window down and says "Two cans
Of VB
thanks mate!"

The copper looks at him and says "You must be drunk! Get out of the car
and
blow into this tube for me."

The driver got out of the car and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in
that.
I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if
blow
in that."

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says "OK. In these
cases we
require you to give a blood sample.

"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin' that. I got a letter from the Red
Cross
saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death. Sorry boss, can't
do
that," said the driver.

By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine
sample
for testing. The driver looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that
either."

The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!!!"

"Bloody oath mate." says the driver, "It's from the government. It says
that
you white fella's can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more

[scott bowler]

Letter Of Divorce

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me

that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week,

you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails

done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You

came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after

watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't

touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me

anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife






Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown

out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when

you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to

mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say

anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite

meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I

stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had

on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed

that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty

dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of

this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I

discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my

job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were

gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you

wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[Xtreme]

Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."



The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.



I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new
knees fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my
driver's licence.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."


THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

Gotta love the oldies!!! :P

[Merrilyn]

Love it Bec. Keep em coming. We all need a good laugh. :P

[Grae]

LOVE THE DRESS.

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the
door bell and walked in.She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
What are you doing?", she asked.
I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in- law
answered.
"But your naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained!
"love dress? but you are naked"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress", she said "it excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress,"
she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said "What's for dinner?".

Graeme

[Xtreme]

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possible be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.


The witch doctor tells him, "Sure, I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"


The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is say, '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But, be warned - it will not work again for another year."


The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "1-2-3," and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

[Robdog]

Just thought I'd lower the bar here a little.

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

[Robdog]

Santa Pick-up Lines

Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

Some of my best toys run on batteries...

Interested in seeing the "North Pole"?

[samir]

:lol: :lol: you didn't just lower the bar Rob, you buried it :P :lol: :lol:

[Xtreme]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.


The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"


The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."

[k0b0i]

Just something funny i got in a forward:

[scott bowler]

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and
aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting
that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell
his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army"

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt.
:oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

[scott bowler]

Women think they already know everything, but wait; training courses are now available for women on the following subjects at Damelin:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After the Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting what you want without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem.... Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.

Women, Please register immediately as courses are expected to be in great demand…


"What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself." Frank Crane

[scott bowler]

Bono

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for
some
quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
microphone.....

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence....

"Well, stop f#cking doing it then.......!"

[scott bowler]

Seniors Dating.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Clyde asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening they dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Clyde for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Clyde was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

[scott bowler]

My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54

years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value

you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that

you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the

evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on

the dining room table:



"My Dear Husband,



I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54

years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you

are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local

college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be

at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the

assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.



As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you

will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one

small difference



- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.



Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[scott bowler]

Girls' Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however,
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so
she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.


After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.


The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said,

“These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst...My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[scott bowler]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she

belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have you!"

But the girl said "NO!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She replied, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[Ben]

scotty they are awesome!!

keep them comming!

[scott bowler]

hope i dont affend any one all in fun ladys
:lol:
Relationship Advice from a Man




Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. What should I do?

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember that nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (and it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is when he returns home for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband! If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this and present it to your husband as a christmas gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink:

[Xtreme]

THE "Oirish" DIET

'Oirish' Rory was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost a few pounds."

When Rory returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 60 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

'Oirish' Rory nodded. "I'll tell ya though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the f*****n skippin." :D

[Xtreme]

Bill and Tom are two Kiwis working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now
reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it
and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough
here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has
another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic
bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'

'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and
he suffocated.' :D

[Xtreme]

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!





What is the moral of this story?............



OH, come on...take a guess!



Think about it!





(You're going to love this!)









And the moral is ..You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[Xtreme]

Stupid people


If these are true, it could be a good argument for some people being
criminally stupid!! How do these people survive?

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets


TWO I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Office Assistant who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the Office Assistant took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you have a fire in the central office?"

EIGHT Police in Redfern, Sydney , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 000 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her child to the Hospital casualty, as he was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give him some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to Hospital.



Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid.

[Xtreme]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - silence - -

HUSBAND: F**k


OUTSTANDING!!!

[Xtreme]

Number One Idiot



Early this year, some Qantas employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.



They are no longer employed at Qantas.





Number Two Idiot



A man, wanting to rob a downtown Commonwealth Bank, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."



While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Commonwealth Bank and crossed the street to the Westpac Bank.



After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Westpac teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Commonwealth Bank deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Westpac deposit slip or go back to the Commonwealth Bank.



Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Commonwealth Bank.





Number Three Idiot



A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.



After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."



The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.



The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.





Idiot Number Four



A pair of Sydney robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.





IDIOT SIGHTING



I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."





IDIOT SIGHTING



At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker (she was leaving the company due to "downsizing"), our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.





IDIOT SIGHTING



When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

[Bald_noggin]

After Pakistan's shock exit from the Cricket World Cup, they have decided to quit cricket and take up a new sport....... Bob-Slaying :lol: