tennhound
Wed Jul 12, 2006, 02:57 AM
LIZARD BIRTHING
> >
> > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> > syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story
> > below will have you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
> >
> > Here's what happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
> > room.
> >
> > "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious
> > dad, can you help?"
> >
> > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
> > him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
his
> > ba ck, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
> >
> > "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
> >
> > "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> > babies."
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> > Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged.
> >
> > "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> > reproduce," I accused my wife.
> >
> > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
> > she inquired.
> >
> > (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
> > my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).
> >
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
> > she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> >
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
> > on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> > "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
> > "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> > "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> >
> > "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
> > litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
really
> > do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> >
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
> > like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
> >
> > "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> > "It's breech," my wife wh ispered, horrified.
> >
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot
> > when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I
tried
> > several more times with the same results.
> >
> > "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
> > they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the
> > females in my house?)
> >
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> > "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> >
> > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
> > (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to
me is
> > one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> ; > The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> > little animal through a magnifying glass.
> >
> > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
> > scientifically.
> >
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
> > I speak to you privately for a moment?"
> >
> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> >
> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> > "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
> > labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You
> > see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just
the
> > way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well,
> > you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> >
> > We were silent, absorbing this.
> >
> > "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
> >
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> >
> > More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
> > giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
> > the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless
> > manliness.
> >
> > Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
> > just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..."
> > she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> > "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
> > bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad
> > everything was going to be okay.
> >
> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
> > told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea,"
> >
> > Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
> >
> > 2 - Lizards - $140...
> >
> > 1 - Cage - $50...
> >
> > Trip to the Vet - $30...
> >
> > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
> > winkie.....Priceless
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
> >
> > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> > syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story
> > below will have you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
> >
> > Here's what happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
> > room.
> >
> > "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious
> > dad, can you help?"
> >
> > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
> > him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
his
> > ba ck, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
> >
> > "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
> >
> > "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> > babies."
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> > Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged.
> >
> > "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> > reproduce," I accused my wife.
> >
> > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
> > she inquired.
> >
> > (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
> > my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).
> >
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
> > she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> >
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
> > on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> > "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
> > "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> > "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> >
> > "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
> > litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
really
> > do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> >
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
> > like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
> >
> > "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> > "It's breech," my wife wh ispered, horrified.
> >
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot
> > when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I
tried
> > several more times with the same results.
> >
> > "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
> > they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the
> > females in my house?)
> >
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
> > "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> >
> > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
> > (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to
me is
> > one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> ; > The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
> > little animal through a magnifying glass.
> >
> > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
> > scientifically.
> >
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
> > I speak to you privately for a moment?"
> >
> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> >
> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> > "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
> > labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You
> > see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just
the
> > way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well,
> > you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> >
> > We were silent, absorbing this.
> >
> > "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
> >
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> >
> > More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
> > giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
> > the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless
> > manliness.
> >
> > Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
> > just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..."
> > she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> > "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
> > bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad
> > everything was going to be okay.
> >
> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
> > told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea,"
> >
> > Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
> >
> > 2 - Lizards - $140...
> >
> > 1 - Cage - $50...
> >
> > Trip to the Vet - $30...
> >
> > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
> > winkie.....Priceless
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs