Just joking.....

[Kenneth]

Does anyone hold some jokes they like to share?

here's one:

If you are an Australian when you go into the bathroom and you are an Australian when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?

EUROPEAN... of course!

[Kenneth]

Okay that one was lame

how's this.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Kenneth]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and I'm just looking for a girl with big hooters.

[Kenneth]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[Ben]

Great jokes Kenneth!

If i told any of mine i would be expelled from the forum!

[Proteus]

The year 1981 (not really a joke but funny al the same)

Interesting...

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope Died


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... please warn the Pope!

[Littlefish]

Heh heh - maybe more important to warn our cricketers?

And, Kenneth, I like the bit about married men being more willing to die. I'm not game to show it to the Mrs, but I'll hoard it away in my brain and gloat over it occasionally...

Fred 8-)

[Merrilyn]

Hmmmm I might have a few profound thoughts LOL


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
haveproduced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you were to break wind consistently for 6
years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy
of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
thebody to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starvesto death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attachedto its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
humanjumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[Littlefish]

That'd be right. Lions mate 50 times a day and I went and joined Apex!

(An oldie but a goodie.)

Fred :lol: