Found this really funny.

[Merrilyn]

After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
_________________

[Fishpimpin73]

Always have loved that one :wink:

[Ben]

Thats funny as! ladyred!

i like the:

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


Geeeez,
and to think pilots get paid 1/4 of a millon a year!


Ben

[goldenpigeon]

lol i liked it too lol :D

[Littlefish]

Yeah, it's a good one, Ladyred!

My son is an aircraft maintenace engineer at Brisbane airport, and he likes having a go at the pilots (referred to by engineers as 'bus drivers').

He recently scored a heap of overtime after some overhead toggle switches were reconfigured and a pilot casually flicked several without looking during startup. The fully loaded cargo hold promptly filled with fire retardant foam! Plane grounded, passengers not impressed.

BTW pilots refer to engineers as 'knuckle draggers'.

Fred :D

[Merrilyn]

Just love it Fred. Obviously a lot of respect on both sides then :lol:

[Littlefish]

Too right, Merrilyn. I won't even start on about the hosties - it's a circus up there at times!

Fred :lol:

[Merrilyn]

Awww go on Fred. You can share with us. We won't tell anyone :wink:

[Littlefish]

Weeell...

At the risk of being politically incorrect, the flight attendants are referred to as trolley dollies (TDs). The more, um, reubenesque ones are called CDs, since they bump rows C & D as they progress up the aisle.

A few months ago a TD frantically called the bus drivers to say that the galley was on fire after smoke started billowing from the oven. Much panic and flapping about in the cockpit, but of course the BDs wouldn't come out to investigate as they lock themselves in nowadays in case of terrorists.

Another TD bravely opened the oven door and hurled a glass of water in, promptly shorting out a good portion of the plane's electrical stuff.

A male TD called Bill (gay William) came forward when the smoke had cleared a bit and quietly attempted to remove the blackened remains of a cheese sandwich he had put in the oven to toast before he got talking and forgot about it. Couldn't get rid of all the evidence, however, so he had to endure months of engineers asking him about cajun recipes etc every time they saw him.

My son says the TDs are good to look at during the pre-flight instructions about exits, life jackets, etc, but no point memorising it 'cause if that thing drops out of the sky you're dead anyway. Whoops - said too much! :shock:

Fred

[Merrilyn]

ROFL - keep em coming Fred. Love it.

[Littlefish]

Silly things happen on the ground, too, apparently.

One of the ground crew was driving the air stairs up to the front door of a just landed regional jet when he was distracted by a gaggle of TDs on the tarmac. Rammed the jet 2m sideways and punched a nasty hole in the fuselage.

On another occasion, my son (MS) and a couple of other engineers met an incoming night flight which was due for maintenance. Scene:

The plane is hooked up to tug 63 (not the real tug number to protect the innocent) and these three are towing it to the hangar.

MS is driving with one bloke beside him on the tug and the other one in the cockpit, all swapping wisecracks through the headphones and a generally mellow mood prevails. They must now cross the main runway.

MS: "Tug 63 to tower."

Tower: "Go ahead tug 63."

MS: "Permission to cross main runway."

Tower: "Tug 63, clear to cross."

They proceed to cross.

Tower: "Tug 63, can you move any faster?"

MS: "Negative, we are at full throttle now."

Silence from the tower, and the lads are having a laugh about the air traffic controller's expectations of speed from a tug towing an airliner.

Next thing the runway lights up like something out of the X-Files. It's the landing lights from a Malaysia Airlines 777 coming down right on top of them! :shock: The only good thing MS recalls is that no one could hear the screams of the three engineers over the roar of the 777 powering up to regain height for a 'go around'.

The legend is that the throttle cable on tug 63 is now three inches longer from having MS's big foot jammed down on it.

So next time you're on a plane, just think:

"It's all OK. These people know what they're doing."

Fred :roll:

[goldenpigeon]

wow scary!!!!!

[Merrilyn]

Fred, that is hilarious, and all the more so, cos our beloved Chief (Proteus 8-) ) is at this very moment in the air somewhere, flying back from the US of A.

Unfortunately, he won't be reading this till after he lands. But have you got any more good bedtime stories for him :twisted:

[Littlefish]

Poor Proteus! I hope he has enough room to get out of his seat and walk off the DVT.

I flew up to Yepoon and back recently (thankfully a very short trip) and the seating was so cramped I would have had to crawl over two other passengers to reach the aisle.

Seriously, I'm only 5ft 7ins, but when I tried to reach under my seat to see if that life jacket was really there, I found it was impossible. Try it sometime. My head was jammed against the seat in front before my hand was a third of the way under my own seat. Pity the big guys.

Scary stories. Hmmm... memory fades.

But MS did tell me he was listening in on cockpit conversation as one of his airline's planes was queing for take off.

A storm piling up to the east, combined with wind and this and that meant the planes had to bank hard to port immediately after takeoff. Looked pretty spectacular.

As a Virgin jet executed the manouvre, MS heard one of his pilots say to the other: "Jeez, are we gonna do that?"

The other pilot replied: "Mate, if Virgin can do it, so can we!"

That's all I need - brave and daring pilots with me trapped in the back unable to reach my life jacket. The sick bag was accessible, though.

Fred