Know any good jokes?

[Merrilyn]

There are lots of great jokes on the internet at the moment. This one just tickled my funny bone.

Do remember we are a family forum :wink:




A woman brought a very limp duck into her Veterinary Surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head and sadly said "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away"
The distressed woman wailed "Are you sure"?
"Yes I am sure your duck is dead", replied the Vet.
"How can you be so sure" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything, he might just be in a coma, or something".
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck - from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The Vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table, and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, Miaowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The Vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said this is most definitely 100% certifiably a dead duck" The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150" she cried -
"$150 just to tell me that my duck is dead?"
The Vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $150"

[Merrilyn]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray and his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte's arm gently and whispered, 'It's White Wings Self Raising Flour, isn't it?'


And thus began Ray's life of celibacy.

[Merrilyn]

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A 6- year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend 1 week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'

[Merrilyn]

The difference between cats and dogs.....

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
6:00 pm - Oooh, Bath. Bummer.
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..


Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Idiots.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................. :evil:

[Merrilyn]

A businessman, dissapointed in his career, decided to volunteer for the first brain transplant. A brilliant surgeon offered him a choice of three samples from his brain bank;

One from a leading brain surgeon at $1000,
one from a leading research scientist at $1000
and one from a retired politician for $5000.

He enquired why the last one was so much dearer. Well "It's never been used," said the brain surgeon.!!

[Merrilyn]

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a dog, a labrador.

Bugga off say's Mick, are you mad!!!!
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[Merrilyn]

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher
baptising people in the river.


He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, OI am.'


So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


He pulls him up and asks the drunk,'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, OI I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'




(Are you ready for this????)











The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[Merrilyn]

TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbirth.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

[Merrilyn]

Navy blues
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

[Merrilyn]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:



Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?




Your last name stays put.


The garage is all yours.


Wedding plans take care of themselves.


Chocolate is just anothersnack.



You can be President.



You can never be pregnant.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because thisone is just too icky.


You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.


Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.



People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.



New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about tanks.


A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.




Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



You almost never have strap problems in public.


You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.


Everything on your face stays its original color.



The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.


You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.





One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.


You can wearshorts no matter how your legs look.



You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.


You havefreedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.



No wonder men are happier.

[Merrilyn]

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too




Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[goodoo]

The cat and dog joke made me laugh realy loud at work. Customers gave me wierd looks. My girlfriend saw it and posted it on facebook straight away. Good one .

[Mickey C]

After realising I would be banned for just about every joke I know, I remembered that I had seen this :)

http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn470/gottistar/4696.jpg

[BigDaddyAdo]

I was also going to post a joke or two but i have so far been unable to think of one that isnt rude.

[Merrilyn]

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mum came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Merrilyn]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"'Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her!"

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[nicholas76]

LOl nice one red! lol

[Mickey C]

I hope I'm that together when I'm older!

[Merrilyn]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

[Merrilyn]

The Atheist and the Shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

[Merrilyn]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


Please ponder-- and enjoy-- the following:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER (OR ROOS – OR WOMBATS) TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[Merrilyn]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

[Merrilyn]

It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' This is incredible', said the man.
'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'
The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

[Merrilyn]

The Blonde Mortican

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed? She points out, that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
astonishment, the blonde mortican presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.' she says.

'Honestly ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was bought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched heads.'

[Merrilyn]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... .......


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."