Jokes

[DiscusWidow]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop
and said, "Nice horse you got, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"

[Creedy976]

A aussie ventriloquist ( the dudes that use puppets ) goes to Newzealand
for a holiday.

In his travels he meets a kiwi man sitting on his porch of his house.

The aussie says to gday to the kiwi and in doing so notices he has a farm with some animals.

He asks the kiwi if he could talk to his horse??

The kiwi says the dosent speak! Its a horse.

the aussie says watch and learn. He walks up to the horse and asks how are ya.

The horse replys " yeah pretty good carnt complain. heaps of food and room to run. "

The aussie guy also notices a dog and asks if he could chat to the dog.

The kiwi replys " the dog dont talk either but knock yourself out "

The aussie turns to the dog and asks how he is?
The dog replies " yeah pretty good heaps of patts and and treats"

The kiwi carnt beleive his eyes.

The aussie the notices a sheep standing close to the fence and asks if he could have a chat to him???

The kiwi turns to him and says " NO DONT TALK TO HIM HES A ******** LIAR"...... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Professor_J]

Speaking of that, Creedy...

Go here to see a shirt for all our Kiwi/Greek/Scottish friends...


http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=492

:D

[Creedy976]

thats great. :) i think that is funny as.

to all kiwis here on the forum im sorry but god that is funny

[DiscusWidow]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

[DiscusWidow]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[DiscusWidow]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

[DiscusWidow]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[DiscusMad]

a horse walked into a bar
the barman said"why the long face"

[DiscusWidow]

Two nuns walk into a bar... you think one of them would have seen it

[Merrilyn]

hahahaha Love your jokes Deb.

[DiscusWidow]

Thanks Mez :)

[Tommo]

Dont Know Any Clean Jokes :cry:

Cheers Tommo

[DiscusMad]

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra

[DiscusWidow]

A housewife heard a knock at the door, and when she answered, a man asked her if she had a vagina. The woman slammed the door in disbelief at what the stranger had said. The following day the same thing happened, so she decided to tell her husband.

The husband was outraged. "Tomorrow I won't go to work," he said. "If the man returns and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, and I will be hiding behind the door."

The next day the same man came again, and when the woman opened the door, he asked if she had a vagina. The woman replied, "Yes.

"Good," the man said. "Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife'."

[DiscusWidow]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f ** king Coco Pops!********************************************* ************************************************** ************************************************** *****************

[DiscusWidow]

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. "I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?" the captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

'He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "

[DiscusWidow]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says.

"This is a special day for me I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man . "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said,"What a coincidence..." :-o

[DiscusWidow]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says.

"This is a special day for me I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man . "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said,"What a coincidence..." :-o

[DiscusWidow]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously

"Oh my God!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he Doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan!"

[DiscusWidow]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...


On the couch...


Naked.

[DiscusWidow]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well," she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won,so bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again,so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari. "How could you afford that car?" her husband asks. You guessed it, Her share of the lotto winnings!

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug. What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

[DiscusWidow]

Not a joke but this is great...

Quotes to make your day!!!!!!!!!!:-)

*Don't compare yourself with anyone in this world. If you do so, you are insulting yourself!
* You are not responsible for what people think about you. But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
*A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
*Write your Sad times in Sand, Write your Good times in Stone. *Behind every successful man, there is an untold pain in his heart.
*Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.
*You may get delayed to reach your targets, but every step you take towards your target is equal to victory.
*Love your job but don't love your company as you may not know when the company stops loving you.
*It's better to loose your ego to the one you love, than loose the one you love to your ego.
*Dont make promises when you are in joy.
*Dont reply when you are sad.
*Dont make decisions when you're angry.

[Xtreme]

It's the NRL football Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would Have a seat like this for NRL Grand final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first NRL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral." :D

[Xtreme]

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

[DiscusWidow]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.The interviewer asks him, " Have you been in the service?"Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."The interviewer tells the guy, " O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M. "The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?""This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[DiscusWidow]

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!


YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5


4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

[DiscusWidow]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his DrinkingBuddy, Mick.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to theirupstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around And he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocketbroke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and lookedin the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut And bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids And Began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he Saw Blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box andShuffled And stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his Head And butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be The broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,It could be the Drops of blood trailing through the house,It could be your Bloodshot Eyes, But mostly....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Merrilyn]

Love your jokes Deb :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[DiscusWidow]

Thanks Mez... :)

[DiscusWidow]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item
that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.

[DiscusWidow]

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc . Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit." "It's The Box Office."

[DiscusWidow]

Irish BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[DiscusWidow]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Rectum deodorant. The >>pharmacist, a little bemused, Explains to the woman that they don't sell >>rectum Deodorant, and never have. >> >>Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she Has been buying the >>stuff from drug stores on a Regular basis and would like some more. >> >>'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'we don't have Any' >> >>'But I always buy it at drug stores,' says the Blonde. >> >>'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks The pharmacist... >> >>'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it..' She returns with the >>container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, >>'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant' >> >>Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and Reads out loud from >>the container... >> >>'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

[DiscusWidow]

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.


Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..






Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.






Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.





Think of

either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name





Almost
there......






Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.




Take the
hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.




Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.



Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?!
.





Of course not.......



Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.

Don't
tell the secret
to others,
just send
them this e-mail!

Smile & have
a great day!

[DiscusWidow]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.When he's 16 he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want.""What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch."Hell no!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds. "There's no such thing as teeth down there!""Yes, there are," he says. "My Mom told me so.""No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."No, I'm sorry," he says."My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.""Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there. "The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised."

[DiscusWidow]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her They didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman Filled the tin bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself." The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs said the girl?" "Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff. When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see ?" "Yes," he said. "But why the fuck did you have to show her yours?" Why," she said. "You've seen it all before." "I know," he said, "but the f***ing darts team hadn't!"

[DiscusWidow]

Margaret Fulton's way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice-cream cone to prevent drips.

The Working Woman's way:
Just suck the ice-cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake. You’re probably eating it while lying on the couch with your feet up anyway!


Margaret Fulton's:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Working Woman's:
Woolworths sells cakes. They even do decorated versions.


Margaret Fulton's:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

Working Woman's:
If you over-salt a dish while you’re cooking, tough! Recite the Working Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"



Margaret Fulton's:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Working Woman's:
It could keep forever. Who eats it?



Margaret Fulton's:
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Working Woman's:
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in a double vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache but you won't care!

AND, FINALLY, THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP…

Margaret Fulton's:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Working Woman's:
Leftover wine??? HELLO!!!???

[DiscusWidow]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their bums. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum is too fat...
10% of women think their bum is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[DiscusWidow]

Women are like apples on a tree..

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they sometimes take the apples from the ground, that aren't as good, but EASY. The apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in REALITY THEY ARE AMAZING. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. LOL

[Xtreme]

A guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!










A little voice came out of the box:.....................






"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!!!!"

LOL :)

[Xtreme]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight, but it should be okay by next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together.....an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and off they go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first, no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

[Xtreme]

Best Blonde Joke Ever


Sonya calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh...


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Xtreme]

A Beer Before It Starts


A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife,
"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
she looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
when he finished it, he said
"Quick, bring me another beer. its gonna start".

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
when it was gone, he said,
"Quick, get me another beer before it starts"
"Thats it!" She blows her top
"You Bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, dont even say hello to me and then you expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Dont you realize that i cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"

The husband sighed and said, "Oh s**t, its started".

[Xtreme]

God luv them lol!

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises
both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for
sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes
them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens
several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Xtreme]

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

[DiscusWidow]

Child Support - Only in the US...

WHO'S THE DADDY?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing
"father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.


1 Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity
of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the
same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I
Was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I
can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see
if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by
the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up
with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was
also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one gave you gas.


Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support
these dim wits!!!!!!!!!!!

[DiscusWidow]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and

Approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you Seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't comeInto a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment In this room full of people. You should have said there is something Wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further With the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full Of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear sir?'...'I can't pee out of it!'. The waiting room erupted in laughter....

[taksan]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean
up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Xtreme]

lol good one :)

[Xtreme]

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,

But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

The sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well

Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath... I

Pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;



" because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,


Then get depressed because you can only think

of 4.


Lol :)

[Xtreme]

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-

Artery......................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign.........................What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.........A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan........................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.

Colic.............................A sheep dog.

Coma............................A punctuation mark

Dilate..........................To live long.

Enema..........................Not a friend.

Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula..........................A small lie.

Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain...................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................... A higher offer.

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.

Node........................... I knew it.

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis...............................Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative................. A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion...................... Hiding something.

Seizure........................ Roman emperor.

Tablet......................... A small table.

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour.........................One plus one more.

Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms.......................To be sure, to be sure

:)

[Merrilyn]

That Irish Medical Dictionary is hilarious.

Nearly fell off my chair laughing. :P

[Proteus]

That Irish Medical Dictionary is hilarious.

Nearly fell off my chair laughing. :P

I think someone might be drinking too much red wine at lunchtime :wink:

(runs and hides)

[Merrilyn]

Drinking ....... who me ?????

(Hic)

Never.

Is my santa hat on straight :santa

[blakey]

A blind man went for a job in a timber yard saying that he could identify any kind of wood by smell.

They tested him on a few different types of wood and he guessed right each time, so to try and catch him out, they got the secretary to lay naked in front of him.

He took a big sniff, looked up puzzled, then took another sniff. "would you mind turning it over." he says.

He then took another sniff, this time looking up with a big smile on his face.

"you can't fool me" he says "thats an old sh*thouse door off a tuna boat"

[blakey]

A lady walks into a high class jewelery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it..As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day madam, How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price"

[Xtreme]

The One Question IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
Of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
Shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should
he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the
answer...














The blind, but not stupid man, opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a hammer." If you got this wrong – please stand up, calmly turn off your computer and call it a day, don’t drive. I've got mine shutting down right now...



LOL :):):)

[Merrilyn]

Yep me too :oops:

[Xtreme]

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00


Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MasterCard!

LOL :)

[DiscusWidow]

Not that funny Scott!!!!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. (My favorite)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men.......
.....until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[DiscusWidow]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman family


********



OFFICE ARITHMETIC


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


********

SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


********

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


********

HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


********

LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


********

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


********

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


********

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


********

[DiscusWidow]

A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'




'Frank , for the FIFTH F**kin' time, CHICKEN!'

[nicholas76]

hehe very amusing!!!!!


havent seen you online on msn in weeks mate you still about?

[scott bowler]

The Tesco Doctor.

One day, in a queue at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor"


"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery" Mike replies. "There's
a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer
will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only
costs £5....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".


So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits
£5 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample
into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.


He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter and pleasured himself into the mixture for good measure.


Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited £5,
poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer prints the following:




1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[scott bowler]

Perfect Response




Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!" General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you got to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers!

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Proteus]

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because
I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my nads and a car
hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow...why else would I buy dog food??

[scott bowler]

lol lol

[scott bowler]

A Primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and, trying to
make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a
Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are
Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little
girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why
didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan,
then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Roosters fan, and proud of it," Mary
replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a
Roosters fan?" Because my mum and dad are from Bondi, and my mum is a
Roosters fan and my dad is a Roosters fan, so I'm a Roosters fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
for you to be a Roosters fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug
addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then,"
Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

[Proteus]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.



They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly a plane...

:o

[Proteus]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage,


"Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "Yes."

The robber promptly shoots him in the head.

He then asks the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

:lol:

[scott bowler]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[ILLUSN]

Hot Lingerie 7.7

thats the ticket, works every time LOL

[scott bowler]

"DON'T FART IN BED"

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know
and
I'll pray for you!!!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned
that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she
had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and the spare parts
and
a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had
got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and
I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in!!!

[DiscusEden]

Lol! Good one!

[Xtreme]

that is pure gold lol

[Xtreme]

The Australian Army


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.










Your loving daughter,


Sheila

LOL! :):)

[DiscusEden]

One for Robdog:

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, " where have you been? "

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example

Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a Continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area

And Asked," what's that?"

"Ah", said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsmen

The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting in Queensland"

[Merrilyn]

Owwwwww that's hilarious.

Now to sit back and wait for the Queenslanders to squeal :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

How dare they make fun of our weather.