first funny of 2007

[scott bowler]

>>DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
>>
>>40-ish - 49
>>
>>Adventurous - Slept with everyone
>>
>>Athletic - No tits
>>
>>Average looking - Ugly
>>
>>Beautiful - Pathological liar
>>
>>Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
>>
>>Emotionally secure - On medication
>>
>>Feminist - Fat
>>
>>Free spirit - Junkie
>>
>>Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
>>
>>Fun - Annoying
>>
>>New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
>>
>>Open-minded - Desperate
>>
>>Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
>>
>>Passionate - Sloppy drunk
>>
>>Professional - Bitch
>>
>>Voluptuous - Very Fat
>>
>>Large frame - Hugely Fat
>>
>>Wants Soul mate - Stalker
>>
>>
>>
>>WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
>>
>>1. Yes = No
>>
>>2. No = Yes
>>
>>3. Maybe = No
>>
>>4. We need = I want
>>
>>5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
>>
>>6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
>>
>>7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
>>
>>8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
>>
>>9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you
>>moron!
>>
>>10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think
>>about?
>>
>>
>>
>>MEN'S ENGLISH
>>
>>
>>1. I am hungry = I am hungry
>>
>>2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
>>
>>3. I am tired = I am tired
>>
>>4. Nice dress = Nice
>>cleavage!
>>
>>5. I love you = let's have sex now
>>
>>6. I am bored = Do you want
>>to have sex?
>>
>>7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have
>>sex with you
>>
>>8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have
>>sex with you
>>
>>9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex
>>with you
>>
>>
>>10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have
>>sex with you
>>
>>11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

[bun]

:lol: I just used some of them on my girlfriend hahaha. Shes in a bad mood, and she was telling me to go out and have fun, go to the strip club etc.

<33 nu says:
So you honestly want me to go to crazy horse?
<33 RY says:
sure
<33 RY says:
go
<33 nu says:
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
<33 RY says:
ok
<33 RY says:
how about
<33 RY says:
i thnk you should go out to the club
<33 RY says:
or whatever you do
<33 RY says:
and enjoy yoruself.
<33 RY says:
now whats that stand for in 'womens speak'
<33 nu says:
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

:lol: Probably shouldn't be posting this here.

[scott bowler]

bun your going to be in trouble hahaha

[Del]

HUGE trouble Bun! I can't wait to hear the outcome of this... :lol:

DEL

[scott bowler]

1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a man who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four men don't know each other

[samir]

:lol: :lol: :lol: keep posting them Scott

[scott bowler]

my wifes nic name

[scott bowler]

Swearing at Work
>> Dear Employees:
>>
>> It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals
>>throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of
>>normal conversation with their colleagues.
>>
>> Due to complaints received from some employees who may be
easily
>>offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
>>
>> We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able
to
>>accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
>>
>> Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases

>>have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can
>>continue in an effective manner.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 1.
>> Try Saying:
>> I think you could do with more training
>> Instead Of:
>> You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
>>
>> 2.
>> Try Saying:
>> She's an aggressive go-getter.
>> Instead Of:
>> She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
>>
>> 3.
>> Try Saying:
>> Perhaps I can work late
>> Instead Of:
>> And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
>>
>> 4.
>> Try Saying:
>> I'm certain that isn't feasible
>> Instead Of:
>> F*** off a*se-wipe
>>
>> 5.
>> Try Saying:
>> Really?
>> Instead Of:
>> Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
>>
>> 6.
>> Try Saying:
>> Perhaps you should check with...
>> Instead Of:
>> Tell someone who gives a f***.
>>
>> 7.
>> Try Saying:
>> I wasn't involved in the project.
>> Instead Of:
>> Not my f***ing problem, mate.
>>
>> 8.
>> Try Saying:
>> That's interesting.
>> Instead Of:
>> What the f***?
>>
>> 9.
>> Try Saying:
>> I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given
>>timescale.
>> Instead Of:
>> No f***ing chance mate.
>>
>> 10.
>> Try Saying:
>> It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
>> Instead Of:
>> Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
>>
>> 11.
>> Try Saying:
>> He's not familiar with the issues
>> Instead Of:
>> He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
>>
>> 12.
>> Try Saying:
>> Excuse me, sir?
>> Instead Of:
>> Oi, f*** face.
>>
>> 13.
>> Try Saying:
>> Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
>> Instead Of:
>> Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
>>

[scott bowler]

Corporate Lesson 1

>>

>>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

>>shower when the doorbell rings.

>>The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

>>When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

>>Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

>>After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel

>>and stands naked in front of Bob.

>>After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

>>The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

>>When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

>>"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

>>"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes

>>me?"

>>

>>Moral of the story:

>>If you share critical information pertaining to credit

>>and risk with your shareholders in time,

>>you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

>>

>>

>>Corporate Lesson 2

>>A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,

>>forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

>>After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

>>The nun said,

>>"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

>>But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

>>The nun once again said,

>>"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

>>The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

>>Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

>>On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

>>It said,

>>"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

>>

>>Moral of the story:

>>If you are not well informed in your job, you might

>>miss a great opportunity.

>>

>>

>>Corporate Lesson 3

>>A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch

>>when they find an antique oil lamp.

>>They rub it and a Genie comes out.

>>The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

>>"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.

>>"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the

>>world."

>>Poof! She's gone.

>>"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

>>"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,

>>an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

>>Poof! He's gone.

>>"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

>>The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

>>

>>Moral of the story:

>>Always let your boss have the first say.

>>

>>

>>Corporate Lesson 4

>>A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

>>A rabbit asked him,

>>"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

>>The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

>>So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

>>A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

>>

>>Moral of the story:

>>To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

>>

>>

>>Corporate Lesson 5

>>A turkey was chatting with a bull.

>>"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"

>>sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

>>"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.

>>"They're packed with nutrients."

>>The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave

>>him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

>>The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

>>Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of

>>the tree.

>>Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

>>

>>Moral of the story:

>>Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

>>

[Dan]

LOL

Those are great!

Good laugh :)

Thanks

[DiscusWidow]

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

[taksan]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask

of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and

Then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun unt IL she ran out of bullets,

Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,

And then she killed the last Iraqi WI th her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.

[taksan]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
Under your vehicle.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple that drove their car to Walmart, only to have
Their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife
To carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
Car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding
From under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
Of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
Quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back
Into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
Herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

[taksan]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American
Tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was
Describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine
To track man or beast over land, through the air or
Beneath the sea. The Americans were incredulous.



Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the
Highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road,
An Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line
Whilst his left leg was held high in the air.



The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered
Around the prostrate Aborigine.



"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and
What are you listening for?"



The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 kilometers
Is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tire is bald.
The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel.
There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."



The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise
And detailed knowledge.



"Wow, man! How do you know all that?" asked one American.



The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the damn thing about
Half an hour ago!"

[taksan]

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.



The first has no arms. The second no legs and
The third has no body, just a head.



They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"
They're all in the pool.



The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly
But the guy with no legs is closing fast.



The head of course sank straight to the bottom.



Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes
First. He can still seebubbles coming from the bottom
Of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to
Rescue him.



He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface
And places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon
The head starts coughing and spluttering.



Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:
"Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f##king ears,
Then two minutes before the whistle, some a$$hole puts a
Swimming cap on me!"

[scott bowler]

i always like to help the ladys with any probs they may have :lol:

[scott bowler]

heres a pic that was taken guess its true about the boys in blue

[scott bowler]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." :lol: :lol: :lol:

[scott bowler]

computer buffs like ro

[scott bowler]

more

[Merrilyn]

Funny, I thought that's what all those words really meant

[DiscusWidow]

If you are gonna help out the ladies, post a proper picture honey... mwah!!!

[DiscusWidow]

Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this
blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news
crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing
to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off
of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed
her $50 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock
news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.....

[DiscusWidow]

Now that got rid of the men, here is a joke for the ladies.... Have a great week!!!

ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good
idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The
wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh..
immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.< /B>

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[DiscusEden]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Good one!
ironing board... sofa.... he he

[Robdog]

:spam Pffttt Feminism is sooooo 1993 :boohoo

[the german]

the_germans wife :whip

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE (DOPES on a ROPE?)

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men
and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so
they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all
going
to fall. They weren't able to designate a person, until the
woman
gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily
let
go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up
everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and
she
was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started
clapping.

[the german]

the_germans wife :whip

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Yorkshireman in
an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she
told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the Yorkshireman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly
asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last
night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[the german]

the_germans wife :whip

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is
reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well
you know we just ate breakfast?"

Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we
go to the toilet, and that is poo."


The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for
a
few seconds and asks.......

"......and Tigger?"

[the german]

the_germans wife :whip






-------Original Message-------

From: Thomas Hasler
Date: 01/31/07 17:25:12
To: Julie Rogers;
Subject: Fwd: FW: How To Stay Married







HOW TO STAY MARRIED!
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept
no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a
shoe
box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
never to
open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one
day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she
would
not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down
the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the
box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was
to
never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I
should
just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him
two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst
with
happiness.

"But what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[DiscusWidow]

Hilarious!!!!

[bushie]

australian, frenchman, italian, sitting in the pub talkin bout how they make love to their wives.

frenchman says " when I make love to my wife, I cover her the finest french perfumes.
when we finish making love, she floats two inches above the bed.

italian says 'when I make love to my wife, I cover her in the finest italian olive oil, gentle massage.
when we finish making love she floats six inches above the bed.

aussie says " thats nothin` lads.
when I knob shirl, get up and wipe meself on the curtians.
she hits the bloody roof!

[Grae]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the mountains, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."

"Well, I get along pretty well with people, I'll be alright there. Thanks again."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Proteus]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour.



There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing at 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's' back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing
in that .."

[the german]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[scott bowler]

busted bad hehe

[DiscusWidow]

I just hate it when that happens :P

[scott bowler]

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a
problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing".

"What do they say?" the priest inquired"

"They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna
have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to
your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and read
the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible
phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her
female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were
holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male
parrots and the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya
wanna have some fun?"

"One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims "Put
the f*** ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"

[the german]

:lol: :lol: :lol: thats a good one

[scott bowler]

my wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that i would have to give it up. :evil: :shock:
then i caught her spending$65 on makeup. and i asked how come i had to give up beer and you don't? :roll:
she said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. :twisted:
i told her that was what the beer was for . :lol:
i don't think she's coming back :lol: :cry: :whip

[the german]

LOL sounds so real :wink:

[DiscusWidow]

If only beer was our problem, beer is cheaper than fish honey...

[DiscusWidow]

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL



A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"



"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"



The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."



The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"



Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.



The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[DiscusWidow]

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"
"I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?"
"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

[DiscusWidow]

Yogi Bear song...

http://humor.beecy.net/songs/yogi-bear-song/

[DiscusWidow]

Scotty, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

[DiscusEden]

Hahahaha

Good one.

For you, not so much for Scotty.

[DiscusWidow]

Poor darling's got a permanent imprint, especially when he visits Xtreme...

[samir]

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

he could have if he hadn't paid $1000 for that Panamanian gravel fish. Its the one that burrows deep into the gravel during the day. Maybe thats why you haven't seen it yet.

Hey Scott :twisted: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[scott bowler]

:lol: your a funny man samir just becouse your in trouble with bec dont get me in it hehe

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond! :shock: :shock:
whats wrong with that big rock on the finger lady :twisted:

[DiscusWidow]

whats wrong with that big rock on the finger lady :twisted:

Nothing honey, but can never have too many....

[DiscusEden]

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND:

Definitely not!



WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?



HUSBAND:

Of course I do.



WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?



HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.



WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).



HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).



WIFE:

Would you live in our house?



HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.



WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?



HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?



WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?



HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.



WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?



HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.



WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?



HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.



WIFE:

- - silence - -

-

HUSBAND:

S**t!

[scott bowler]

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

[Robdog]

I'm not really sure who the loser is out of that Scott?? :?
Do people realise how sweaty taxi drivers must get?? :fluff

[samir]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[DiscusWidow]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman, smiling, sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed, when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for
it?"
The woman nodded and replied, "Black pepper."

[DiscusWidow]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and
said"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forefather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to Represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token Of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke.

[DiscusWidow]

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to
put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and told her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

Thinking quickly, I responded, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."


"Exactly" I replied, with a big smile on my face.

[DiscusWidow]

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their on-line names might appear ... And be misread. These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

Some take a couple of 'reads' to fully grasp so persevere!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com


2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com


3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net


4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com


5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, Powergen Italia http://www.powergenitalia.com


6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales http://www.molestationnursery.com


7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com


8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is http://www.cummingfirst.com/


9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com

[Merrilyn]

Oh that's hilarious.

Where are you getting these. They're great :P

[DiscusWidow]

Get hundreds of joke emails from my friends and family...

Hey weren't u having time off?? or are you back?? I am confused..

[scott bowler]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:


* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work ina dark area with poor ventilation.
* I work in an area with high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
The Penis

***

Dear Mr. Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request
for the following reasons:

* You do not work eight hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[Bald_noggin]

Hungry Jacks, sponsors of the West Coast Eagles is proud to introduce the Ben Cousins Meal Deal. No burgers. No Fries. Just coke and ice. :lol:

[DiscusWidow]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?


(because they are plugged into a genius) :D

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?



(they don't have enough time) :D



3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?



(they don't stop to ask directions) :D



4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?



(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock) :D



(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)



5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?



(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) :D



6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?



(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) :D



7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?



(don't know....it never happened) :D



( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)



And the personal favourite:



8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?



(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) :D
:laff4 :laff4 :laff4 :laff4 :laff4 :laff4 :laff4 :laff4 :laff4
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.

[rthnone]

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.

That is the funniest line

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[DiscusWidow]

with the exception of me .. of course

[scott bowler]

hope you like this one hehe
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[scott bowler]

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's if:

1. You used to buy cassette singles… and still have some stashed somewhere…


2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton




3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.





4. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.




5. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls (or your sister did).



6. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom




7. Two words: Hammer Pants




8. You watched "Fraggle Rock".




9. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokies or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect



10. You watched "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)





11. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.




12. You (your sister, cousins) wore a ponytail on the side of your head.




13. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles names.




14. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.


16. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.




17. L.A. Gear....need I say more?





18. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all the other Judy Blume books.




19. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"




20. You wanted to be a Goonie.



21. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)



22. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.




23. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.



24. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.




25. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.



26. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.





27. Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite band.




28. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.




29. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.




30. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"




31. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"




32. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.




33. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.




34. You have ever played with a Skip-It or Elastix





35. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.





36. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.


37. Don't worry, be happy




38. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.

39. You wore socks scrunched down

40. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.




41. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.



42. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"


43. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales



44. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.





45. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.




46. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"




47. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.




48. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.





49. You just sang those words to yourself.



50. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.



51. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)

52. You remember when mullets were cool!



53. You had a mullet!

54. You still sing "We are the World"




55. You tight rolled your jeans.



56. You owned a bannana clip.




57. You used to (and probably still do)
say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"




58. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.




59. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!



PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN THE 80s or Early 90s!!!


ROCK ON!!!

[ILLUSN]

the memories :)

[scott bowler]

:lol: :lol: :lol: you and me both :oops: :lol: :lol: :wink:

[DiscusWidow]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who run in front of car get tired.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who run behind car get exhausted.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man with one chopstick go hungry.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.



* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.



* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*



Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who fart in church sit in own pew.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Crowded elevator smell different to midget.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Now send it to 10 or more people.



Nothing will happen but 10 people will be laughing..

[Xtreme]

Loved loved loved the 80's one, good work!! :)

[scott bowler]

Old Timer Sex:



The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.""Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again we can do it for old time's sake?

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.



Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Xtreme]

Oldy but still a goody! :)

[fiftycal]

I'm only 20 but I can relate to most of the 80's stuff.

Its sad, people 1 or 2yrs younger than me dont know of Transformers and stuff...

[fish_r]

and spokey-dokies or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect

probably shouldn't admit it but i used to use these :lol:

[DrFeelgood]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the
game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you
should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in
"Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint.
Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
No, she's not hard of hearing. She's just giving you a chance to recant
the stupid thing that just came out of your mouth and to either
escalate
the conflict by saying it louder (remember, you'll lose) or to come up
with a clever substitute that sounds pretty close to it (like instead
of
saying, "That's why I hate you," you would say, "That's why I dated
you").
WARNING: If you try to use "Nothing" as a response, she won't accept
it.

[DiscusEden]

Oh yes, it's time for this:

Helpful letter from a SNAG

Now I know why men die younger than women.

It's a long post, but I think will help us all in life:




Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation :

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
supper.

I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing,this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.


Signed,

Bob



Bob's funeral was on Saturday, January 25th.

Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 27th.

[DrFeelgood]

This is incredible... don't get any ideas guys

An Actual 1955 Good Housekeeping article.

[fiftycal]

3rd line from the top:

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.


Does that mean 3some with another girl? ;)

[DrFeelgood]

the mind boggles...

[scott bowler]

hehe they are good guys keep them coming love the giude for wifes if only hehe im going to be in trouble hehe

[DiscusWidow]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?







* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

[Xtreme]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of

the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.



Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight

Paddy"



Paddy replies "Olroight Mick, I'll be on me way then."



Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on

his face. Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts

himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on

his face. Shoite, Shoite!"



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just

get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the

door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and

takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step

out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm

fockin' focked," he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the

door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies

inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He Crawls up

the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He

takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a

cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last

night?".



Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you

know?"



"Mick phoned, You left your wheelchair at the pub."



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Robdog]

:laff4 Hahaha People in wheelchairs are funny! :?

[DiscusWidow]

Sore throat

[scott bowler]

Fifty Quid




Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."



Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."



One year Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."



To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."



The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid."



Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.



The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.



He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"



Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid."

[scott bowler]

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van Covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?" "It's not unusual"

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, Is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? "Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu, But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[scott bowler]

blonde one from the girl i live with hehe


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooooooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME
last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!
Hellloooooooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up....
He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Xtreme]

lol :)

[DiscusWidow]

DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES?

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[DiscusWidow]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[DiscusEden]

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

[DiscusEden]

Memo from my work, thought I would share with you all:

Subject: VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES


New Workplace Laws in effect as of today


Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[DiscusEden]

One day, long, long ago there was this man who surprisingly, was not full of sh1te........



But this was a @#%ing long time ago..... and it was just ONE day!

[Merrilyn]

LMAO

Ladies and gentlemen, you rock :P

[scott bowler]

Can you imagine this?


Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, "surely I can't look that old?" Well... You'll love this
story!

I am a woman and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore
his full name. Suddenly I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired
boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 odd
years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way
back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought.

This balding grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old
to have been my classmate... or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I thought I really should at least ask if he
had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes! Yes, I did! I'm a Mustang,"
he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1969. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that old, wrinkled, bald-headed, fat,
grey-haired, decrepit son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

[scott bowler]

>I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
> > >
> > >2. I work at great depths.
> > >
> > >3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
> > >
> > >4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> > >
> > >5. I work in a damp environment.
> > >
> > >6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
> > >
> > >7. I work in high temperatures.
> > >
> > >8. My work exposes me to diseases.
> > >
> > >
> > >Response:
> > >
> > >Dear Penis,
> > >
> > >After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
> > >raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
> > >
> > >1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
> > >
> > >2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
> period.
> > >
> > >3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> > >
> > >4. You donot stay in your designated area, and are often seen
> visiting
> > >other locations.
> > >
> > >5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
> > >stimulated in order to start working.
> > >
> > >6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> > >
> > >7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
> > >wearing the correct protective clothing.
> > >
> > >8. You will slow down before you are 65.
> > >
> > >9. You find it difficult to work double shifts.
> > >
> > >10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
> > >completed the assigned task.
> > >
> > >11. And, if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering
>
> > >and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
> >
> >

[DiscusWidow]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[Merrilyn]

Okay, this one is for all the blonde females who so often are the subject of jokes.



GUYS CAN BE BLONDE TOO !



An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bolognaise again! If I get a
bolognaise sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaise and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is sooooooo good ......... wait for it)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me ...... the idiot makes his own lunch !"

[fish_r]

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot
to her husband:

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her
husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I
would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her
birthday.

And on the day she finally got the beautiful present her
husband thoughtfully bought....

SCROLL DOWN


















http://www.freephotoserver.com/v001/KharmaKazi/image.jpg

[scott bowler]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:

'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity

that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'

This was too much for the bishop

so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,

so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'

As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey

and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

'NUN ANNOUNCES..HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'

The bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery ...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.....

Only worry about your own ASS, not someone else's.....

You'll be a lot happier and live longer.

[scott bowler]

Let this be a warning to you married men!!!





THE BROKEN LAWNMOWER


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.

--
Regards
Mr.Colin

[j.c fishfan]

How to Shower like a woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror- make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, leg cloth, arm cloth, long loofah. wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash (I am currently trying to find where I can purchase this.)
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeeze off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing private parts and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those course bum hairs stuck to the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Jamie :lol:

[scott bowler]

hehe lol lol how true has the shake the willy at the wife on the way to the shower tonight lol

[j.c fishfan]

Dont know if this is suitable??

(Removed)


Cheers,

Jamie

(Admin Edit..........No Jamie, it isn't. Sorry.)

[Robdog]

I'd say that's pretty borderline for a "family" forum.
Funny but borderline.

[ILLUSN]

I thought all kids love tomato, lettuce and mayo?